1. DeathcoreI am still befuddled as to why most bands labelling themselves as 'deathcore' think it is both creative and clever to write music that consists solely of 200BPM blastbeats commonly followed by either a 40BPM open chord chugga-chugga breakdown or an excessive sweep-picking interlude (possibly broken up by a few pinch harmonics). Yes, we know that your guitarist can shred and that your drummer can gravity blast at obscene tempos but this doesn't mean you can write a song. Being dynamic does not just mean throwing a breakdown between blastbeats, so go buy yourselves a copy of 'Calculating Infinity' and learn how to write some proper technical tunes.
Bands to avoid: Whitechapel,
Winds of Plague,
Suicide Silence2. Avenged SevenfoldIf there is a worse looking and sounding band than Avenged Sevenfold in music today I have yet to discover them (the closest I have come so far is Atreyu). Looking like Motley Crue in this day and age is not cool, neither is sounding like Linkin Park mating with Van Halen and having ridiculous stage names like 'Sinister Gates' has never been (nor will ever be) cool. In fact if Avenged Sevenfold were to suddenly begin dressing like GWAR and play only Nickleback covers my opinion of them would increase a thousandfold.
Bands to avoid: Avenged Sevenfold (duh)
3. Screamo/ElectronicaAdmittedly I can't claim to despise all the bands currently flying this particular genre amalgamation flag on their respective Myspace pages but when it comes to eclectically mixed genres like this the electronica component is simply not an excuse for crap screamo and boring breakdowns. Screamo/electronica is like pancakes and bacon; sometimes the bacon is nice and crispy and the pancakes nice and fluffy (hello
Enter Shikari) and othertimes the bacon is flaccid and flavourless and the pancakes are soggy and taste like balls (hello
Horse The Band). Unfortunately this genre is overrun by pancakes that taste like balls and thus I am forced to include it on this list.
Bands to avoid: Horse The Band,
skyeatsairplane4. Excessively slow breakdownsThe same kind of kids that get excited about sludgy snails pace breakdowns are the same kind of kids that go to shows to get 'br00tal' in their Bring Me The Horizon t-shirts, get Hungry Jacks after and stick Coke cans in their stretcher holes until their mothers come and pick them up at 10:30. Not that I have a huge problem with these kids, but they will eventually get the idea into their heads to begin compiling lists of their
'totes fav most brootal deathcore breakdowns eva!' and begin posting these compilations on YouTube (accompanied by extremely amateur Powerpoint presentations featuring photos of circle pits), sparking comment from all their Myspace friends who are ordered to watch these pieces of art via spam bulletins with deceptive, hype-inducing headlines (eg. 'OLI SYKES is totes GAY!). These comments will then lead to a kid with the word 'RAWWWWRRR' in their username getting 'paid out' by another kid with the word 'BBLAAARRRGGGG' in their username because they don't know who
The Faceless are and Mr RAWWWWRRR will quite publicly (again via Myspace bulletin) announce that he has begun cutting himself regularly and will eventually off himself entirely. And this is not on.
Bands to avoid: With Blood Comes Cleansing,
Annotations Of An Autopsy,
As Blood Runs Black5. Gangsta fashion senseWhilst I'm not a huge fan of cliche' hardcore fashion (black Macbeths, black cut-offs, Comeback Kid t-shirt, fluoro coloured cap with the brim turned up) I am much less a fan of the gangsta dress style that has emerged from the current 'straight-up' hardcore scene. It seems to me that as soon as you put on a baggy white shirt, flat brim Afends cap and get an X tattooed somewhere on your body you automatically begin thinking that everyone is talking smack about you (and your hood) and that your 'Straight Edge Pride' needs to be defended at every possible occasion (insert instance of four dudes with beards in said white shirts beating the crap out of one 16 year old kid in a Cradle Of Filth shirt because he was drinking a UDL outside a gig).
Bands to avoid: Deez Nutz,
Bury Your Dead,
Stick To Your Guns,
Comeback Kid6. Feedback as 'art'As with excessively slow breakdowns, music masked by fierce bursts of feedback is a fairly poor excuse for songwriting and is NOT art. I don't care how many pseudo-Christian poems, images of Gothic statues or artfully-blurred live photos you put in your lyric booklet I won't change my mind. References to the fact that you are 'making music for the sake of music and you just want to make music for people like you and not be famous' won't change my mind either. If you want to make music for the sake of music keep it in your backyard shed so your Mum can tell you to shut up at 7pm every night and you can go sulk in your room and reassure yourself that you are a very misunderstood artist.
Bands to avoid: The Chariot7. Songs that begin with a breakdownA hardcore song starting with a breakdown is the equivalent of a gangster rap song starting with a ruff-riding beat constructed of gunshot samples. A hardcore song starting with a breakdown is like a U2 concert starting with Bono giving a speech about starving African children. A hardcore song starting with a breakdown is like a 70's horror movie starting with a teenage couple having sex and then being killed by a masked madman when one of them goes outside to investigate a noise. For a genre that is supposed to be all about passion you would think that artists would care enough about their songs to at least try and write a vaguely original start to a song.
Bands to avoid: Johnny Truant,
August Burns Red,
Unearth8. Pig squealsWho the hell decided that it would be a good idea to substitute already hard to distinguish lyrics in death metal songs for actual animal noises? Will we soon be hearing other barnyard noises in place of actual singing (or growling, whichever way you look at it)? If you're going to pig squeal instead of write lyrics why not get an actual pig to perform vocals for your band instead of you? These are the questions that perpetually plague me when I hear bands like Job For A Cowboy so if someone could pass these on to them that'd be really great.
Bands to avoid: Job For A Cowboy,
All Shall Perish,
Cannibal Corpse9. Songs with ridiculously inane namesWhen I first listened to 'Plagues' by DWP, I was honestly expecting the first track to contain lyrics describing the adventures of some 'Goats on A Boat'. I was quite disappointed when I found the song to be some rambling crap about 'searching for security in tragedy' but I had hope for the rest of the album. Sadly I was just as disappointed with the rest of the songs as I was with the opening track. To collate my disappointments; I did not find out why I shouldn't forget Number Three; pondered exactly why HTML Rulez Dood; wondered who this John was and why I had forgotten his name; got obnoxious when I was told not to Dink and Drance; attempted to spell Crap Without a C (and failed miserably); was confused about what This Song Is Called; felt weird meeting Reptar King Of The Ozone; submitted to the Scorpion Deathlock and discovered That Nickels Is (actually) Money Too and wondered why a user of Australian currency would ever give a crap.
Bands to avoid: The Devil Wears Prada,
A Day To Remember10. Band merch with maritime artworkWhilst pirates are the rockstars of the ocean (and land) it doesn't mean your cool because you include them in your t-shirt designs. You are not a pirate by association. At least Bring Me The Horizon have a piratey name and vaguely piratey songs ('I Used To Make Out With Medusa') but bands like As I Lay Dying have no excuse for trying to cash in on pirate coolness. Maybe if you were called As I Lay Drowning (In Davey Jones' Locker) I might not have a problem with you putting an anchor and/or a shark on all of your shirts. There are so many different things you could possibly have on a metal shirt that haven't been done yet (ie. I have yet to see a Telletubbie with a chainsaw) and would be 'totz brOOtal' (the Telletubbie again) that bands should really start using their thinking hats and putting some creative stuff on their t-shirts. I mean, deathmetal is pretty much a joke anyways and Cannibal Corpse can get away with actually calling an album 'Kill' so why can't All Shall Perish put a friggin' Telletubbie with a chainsaw on one of their t-shirts?
Bands to avoid: As I Lay Dying,
Parkway Drive,
Bring Me The Horizon (etc etc etc)